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GB Impressive, you know I mean I've never had a student score zero in everything

2020-02-03

Before. What do you mean I chose exactly the perfect spell for every situation! Well you answered 'Fireball' for every question. What's your point, person-within-Fireball-distance What I mean is, you can't expect a big damaging area-of-effect spell to be the answer for everything. Maybe try some different spells. Maybe Minor Illusion to trick the enemy, you could find a fey or a fiend to serve as your familiar, or even Prestidigitation. It has a surprising amount of uses even though it costs nothing. I'm about to Prestidigitate all over your desk if you keep suggesting lame-o spells! All I'm saying is you should expand your horizons. A wizard is the apex of the arcane, the ultimate utility caster and one of these days you're gonna find yourself in an encounter where Fireball isn't gonna Where'd he go What the fu WELCOME TO A CRAP GUIDE TO D&D! The classic, the OG, the frail old man with a stick that shoots Magic Missiles at a few goblins and then has to go door-to-door telling his neighbours he's a registered hex offender. The wizard is the most powerful class if you ignore any other classes that are stronger, which are all of them because this thing is more fragile than a single-layered sheet of toilet paper that's been soaking in the soggy crack of a bridge troll's ass cheeks. This class is the sorcerer's lamer, more studious, dorky neighbour who does all of the hard work for none of the recognition. You get saving throws in Intelligence and Wisdom instead of Constitution and Charisma so sure, you'll be able to ace that pop quiz and not have to worry about being distracted, but you won't be able to hold your liquor or score any hot dates at Chad Firebolt's party in the golden mansion his chromatic dragon dad bought him. If you're looking for the silver lining, the wizard is definitely the heaviest case of 'Be careful who you call "ugly" in magic school'. The wizard's spell list is thicker than the Storm King's Thunder Thighs, you gain spell slots like a shower drain gets hair and during a short rest you can even choose a small amount of spell slots to recover depending on your level. Best of all, at higher levels, you even get the ability to cast your favourite low-level spells as many times as you like. But who are we kidding You're likely going to be dead before you reach that high, either killed by your own fireballs or killed by all your pissed-off allies who were caught in your own fireballs. But hold your horses there, Mr. I-actually-believe-wizard-memes-are-as-funny-in-the-game-as-they-are-on-social-media! All your spells are tied to your spellbook because wizards have short-term memory loss and unless it's a cantrip, you can only cast a spell if you have a 3-step tutorial with pictures to colour. But the work doesn't just stop there! The stronger spells at higher levels are gonna need expensive magical components to cast them if you don't wanna embarrass yourself with arcanile dysfunction and suddenly your Finger of Death feels more like a Finger of Mild Discomfort. People say wizards are the utility casters because of the massive amount of spells at their disposal, many of which are apparently great for a wide range of situations. I'm here to smartly inform you that those people are stupid. Use Fireball and only Fireball. Nothing but Fireball. Just Fireball. Just Fireball. Just Fireba Because they are the nerds of D&D, wizards have an unhealthy amount of knowledge of all of the different schools of magic, so instead of having their archetypes based around a certain theme, they get one for each of the aforementioned schools of magic, which is too damn many to go over and frankly I don't have the time or gummy bears to last a whole lecture. Instead I'm going to quickly summarise each school of magic (and also war magic 'cause fuck you) and I'm going to do it all .. IN SONG! And now you know how to play Wizard! You're welcome.