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(theme music) how was the library was good

2020-02-03

..peaceful. we gotta make a quick stop on the way home okay pharmacy your mother, uh... is everything okay well...(cough) she's about seven weeks late on her period okay... neither of us has ever been that into condoms- okay, well dad- as you may or may not know I don't need to know about that... I find it spoils the sensation, let's just say I'm pretty sure she's pregnant... dad... I don't know what to do, I mean, I've just I've just been really enjoying my retirement and now throwing a baby back into this situation you don't need to worry, mom is NOT pregnant! what makes you so confident of that if anything she's probably menopausal you know... like her period's gone and it's just never coming back, that's why it's "late" let's say you're right, and i HOPE you're right, god knows I hope you're you right, but I've got this feeling in my gut, that there's a baby growing in that 57-year-old body of hers okay, well... and I've been having these nightmares, where a baby crawls out of your mom, crawls over towards me, and he eats all the money in my wallet, and then he eats my wallet- I'm having a bit of a nightmare myself, actually... and then he eats me. I feel like it's this, just..every day with you he eats me up, Malcolm, and I spend the rest of the nightmare in his stomach, watching all this stuff fall around me, all the other stuff he's eating, and he's eating EVERYTHING! ...furniture... I don't understand what you want to DO about the situation. well... I want you to talk to her about it. and say what what am I supposed to say just see if she's interested in... ...taking care of it. what, like an abortion don't say the a-word, Malcolm, we're not trying to give her a goddamned stroke! Dad, I'm not going to do that! I'm absolutely not going to do that! That is so... ...that is so creepy! Just sugar coat it! Sugar coat it how! Just suss it out! Make her dinner, sit her down, and see how she feels about having and abort- (trails off) No. Never. Never. Forget it. There's another solution. Hear me out... ..Do you still know that witch that you dated in high school ..The witch girl.. Are you talking about Alexis Gothic-type girl With the book of spells Alexis was a goth in high school, yeah. She's a nurse now. Does she still have her powers No, Dad... She doesn't have powers. She's a person. She's a regular person. She never had powers. So she couldn't come over and perform a spell on your mother to make the period come No... she couldn't do that. no one can do that. You told me she DID have powers. In high school, you insisted- nobody has powers, Dad! Fucking fantastic! She never had powers! No, Dad! What the f- I seem to remember a certain conversation that we had when you were in high school.. and you wanted to date this girl with witch powers, and I said there's no such thing as witch powers, and you said FOR SURE there is, are you trying to tell me that you lied to me about her witch powers okay, I remember that, it was in the basement, and I was trying to get you to go upstairs because I was trying to kiss her at the time and, you know... I said, Dad, she's got powers over me, meaning she's got like, romantic powers, she excites me, not- that is NOT what you meant! not powers like a witch. Yes it is! that is NOT what you meant! I know the difference between love powers and witch powers! ...unbelievable... know this, Malcolm... ...there's gonna come a day when you're holding that baby brother because you weren't willing to have this conversation with your mother. and on that day you're gonna look deep into his eyes, and you're gonna think to yourself, this ain't so bad... and then he's gonna puke, into your mouth. and some of it's gonna trickle down your throat. and you're gonna hate yourself. and life itself. and everything. (door opens) you got a points card (theme music) gross... look at that! (laughs) you gotta pee on that, huh yeah, you do. not me! let's go! no thank you.